The Origin of Expectation Pt. 2

It is a human thing to fear letting people down, especially those you love. As humans, we find happiness when we make others happy. It encourages us to do it more. That is why when we do the exact opposite of what people want for us, it is hard because we don’t feel that joy, but rather the pain of admonishment and disapproval.

A lot of anxiety is centered around the opinion of others but we will break that down later. For now, let’s stay on the topic of let down. But what happens when it’s your own expectations that you don’t fulfill? 

Personally, I believe there are a couple different ways of looking at it. The first, and more obsessive, cynical way, would be to let a broken expectation begin to define who you are and lead to demotivation and disappointment. I believe that our opinion of ourselves is simply made up of the things we do and don’t do. If you tell yourself you will do something and break that promise, it is more likely you will believe that you are not somebody who keeps promises. You begin to see yourself as unreliable and disappointing. You become your own worst critic because you have allowed yourself to be defined by your unfulfilled expectations. This is what leads to a life of let down and dissatisfaction.

The other way to look at breaking the expectations you set is the positive way. In a sense, you see an unfulfilled expectation as a sign that it wasn’t meant to happen, or a motivator to improve next time. This is a mindset adopted by optimists. It makes it easier to swallow the idea of what you wanted to happen not happening. You begin to accept it how it is rather than compare what it is to what it could’ve been. After all, all unhappiness is just a result of comparison.

The negative mind tends to see a broken expectation as a total disappointment. It is nearly catastrophic. Over time, this creates cynicism where you don’t even acknowledge the idea of something good coming out of anything. You only can see the possibility of a negative result or a disappointment. By only seeing the possibility of a negative, you don’t allow yourself to experience a positive. Therefore, you have bound yourself. You have become set in an expectation of negativity, even though you tell yourself you don’t have an expectation at all.

To expect or not to expect

On comes the question of expectation: should we set expectations or not?

There is an argument for both sides and it is completely dependent on the individual. The main place where I can comment, as a former cynic, is what you should not do if you want to avoid the endless loop of negative thinking.

1. Don’t let expectations kill your hope

I have often found that by setting an expectation and not having it go my way has led to a feeling of distrust. It leads me to expect the negative just because the ideal did not happen. Cynical people will tend to make drastic assumptions such as:

If not this, then the exact opposite must be true.

That garners the idea that everything is black and white. It eliminates the possibility of grey. When things are black and white, it becomes a lot easier to only see the negative side. Eventually rather than being black and white, everything is just simply black. 

Do not let expectations lead you into a place of negative certainty. Believing that because what you wanted to happen didn’t happen because the exact opposite is true will keep you stuck forever.

2. Don’t set negative expectations

As a result of doing number one, people typically fall into number 2. Because the expectation wasn’t fulfilled, they begin to anticipate the negative thing. This is exceptionally destructive because it causes you to look for the negative in everything. Another way to see this is the frequency illusion.

The frequency illusion takes place when you begin to focus on something enough to the point that you begin to see it everywhere. Some examples would be buying a certain type of car and suddenly seeing them everywhere, watching shows about serial killers and starting to suspect everyone with similar habits as being a serial killer, or hearing about all the bad things that are happening on the news that you start “seeing” them more.

When our attention is drawn to something, of course we will recognize it more. It is extremely important to be aware of where your attention is going. We see the things we focus on. 

By being more attentive to the negative side of anything, you guarantee you will see more of it. Be careful what you focus on.

3. Don’t expect perfection

Perfectionism is a dangerous game. If you expect perfection, you will always be disappointed. 

The root of my cynicism really comes back to idealism or perfectionism. I started to become obsessed with things being a certain way. I wanted the most ideal situation possible and began to expect it. Because of my unrealistic expectation, I was let down nearly 100% of the time. Eventually, I thoroughly believed that nothing that I ever wanted to happen would happen so I expected the negative.

All of these things go hand in hand. A lot of cynical beliefs come from unmet expectations. Our minds are always trying to see trends and patterns to make things make sense. Seeing the same unrealistic thing not happen time and time again leads to making up a mental trend that there is no chance of anything good ever happening.

You start to become blind to the good and only let the bad filter into your mind. When it comes down to it, everything is all in your mind. It is up to you to control how it perceives things.

Summarized

Like most things in this world, expectations are both positive and negative. They can lead to more bad than good if you let them. On the other hand, they can produce a lot of positive results. 

They are a tool that can be used, but must be used strategically and within reason. Stress hacking is important when setting expectations. Hacking your body’s natural reaction to stressful situations to create motivation and action is what will lead to positive results.

Like everything, it takes intentional thought and practice. Rewiring your cynical mind takes time. It is good to recognize that when it comes to what expectations you can set for yourself. Thinking that it will happen overnight will only lead to negative thought patterns when you realize it can’t.

Good things take time. Give yourself credit for your progress, set fair expectations, and expect things to not go as planned.